My toddler was bitten at daycare – should I confront the bitten’s parents to apologize?

Have an anonymous question that you desperately need an answer to? Submit it in our Advice Needed column.

Advice needed

My son has been bitten in daycare several times now and although the daycare teachers won’t tell me who the perpetrator is, I think I have a pretty good idea.

Is it okay for me to approach my parents?

Tips from Kidspot Editor Emily

OK, take it easy up there cowboy. While I understand that it can be deeply disturbing to find bite marks on your child, you are not Liam Neeson and this is not Received.

Realistically, what will talking to other parents accomplish except make them feel terrible and you look aggressive? Because take it from me, biting is not a habit I’ve ever seen any parent encourage. If anything, they are deeply disturbed by it and filled with guilt.

I was once away with a group of friends, two of whom had babies of the same age – a little boy (bitten) and a little girl (biter). Now at this stage we had about four children between eight adults. You’d think between us all we’d be able to keep an eye on the situation – especially considering they were both crawling and not particularly fast.

i tell you what Children are mean. Over the weekend, the girl was bitten perhaps three to four times, much to the dismay of both sets of parents. Both felt victimized, both felt terrible – but only one felt shame, even though he shouldn’t have.

Biting is a typical stage of infancy and childhood – albeit a difficult one – and is simply part of a child’s development. It could be teething, it could be curiosity, maybe your child has a particularly good taste (too soon?), but there’s not much anyone can do about it.

If anything, I would talk to the child care educators and ask them to keep your child and the little zombie away as much as possible. If things continue, you can ask them to outline some other suggestions (they’re seasoned pros and this isn’t their first biting rodeo), but it’s not like there’s a baby muzzle – and no, don’t get any ideas .

What about the parents? Please leave them alone. Trust me, they know they have a grudge. And trust me on this even more – they feel bad enough as it is without you chewing their ear off.

The dos and don’ts of Dr. Justin

According to Dr. Justin Coulson, there are some things you can do if your child bites – and some things you shouldn’t.

not

1. Whatever you do,  don’t bite back. He may learn a few things by being bitten, but ‘don’t bite’ won’t be one of them. He may learn that you can hurt him and that you don’t understand him. He almost certainly will NO learn not to bite others. He will not associate you biting him with his previous behavior. He is too young to make that company

2. Don’t punish him. Once again, punishment will not teach him. Nor will it show that you have any desire to understand or help him. It will just teach him that his parents are not taking care of him except to hurt him. And he will learn to behave aggressively towards others over whom he has power.

Do it

1. Offer to help the victim. Unless a child remains aggressive and dangerous (which is unusual), this should be your first action whenever a child hurts others. Comfort and help the person who has been hurt.

2. Remove the offending child – kindly. Take the child somewhere private and provide comfort. Yes, I know that sounds weird. Why console a child who just did something terrible? Two reasons. First, when children are scared or upset, they don’t learn very well from us. We want him to be calm and feel safe. Second, at this age, he’s probably a little scared about what he just did, how it led to such a terrible outcome for his playmate, and what it all means. All this is new. By getting him out of the room and offering him some private comfort, you can help him prepare to learn.

3. Explain and teach, firmly but kindly. Let your toddler understand that biting hurts. Tell him not to bite, but to be gentle instead. Depending on the child’s age, you can also ask questions to help him think of alternative ways to get attention or deal with conflict with a playmate.

4. Finally, offer alternative activities that do not require competition or conflict. Activate them, provide additional toys, play music, or redirect their focus in other ways.